Somewhere Only We Know ....... Read online

  I passed the kids down and then made my way into the pool. I had only been in the pool a couple of minutes when Keith sided up beside me. “What the fuck do you think you are doing coming in here like that?” he said. I didn’t know what he was on about. I looked at him puzzled. “Get out of the fucking pool and go and get dressed” he hissed at me handing Bethany over, shortly followed by Thomas. I was stunned, I didn’t know what I had done, but did as I was told.

  Back in the cubicle both the kids were grizzly, they didn’t know what was going on either. I towelled each of them dry and dressed them. I had just finished Bethany when there was a knock on the cubicle door. Keith stood there fully dressed and tears pouring down is face. “Sorry Caz, I’m so sorry”. I handed the kids to him and closed the door. My heart melted a little.

  I turned and looked in the mirror, even in the poor light I could see what Keith had saw. I was covered in bruises. My arms, my legs, my boobs had distinctive finger marks on them, my back was covered.

  Yellow bruises, purple, red, black, all at different stages of repair, I was a kaleidoscope of colour. I was so used to them that I didn’t see them anymore, but looking at my body now, I saw I was a mess.

  Keith was sitting in the small café. He had Thomas sitting in a highchair and was bouncing Bethany on his knee. To anyone in the café he must have looked like a loving dad and husband. I sat down at the table and looked at him. His eyes were red, but the look he gave me was guarded. “Caz, I don’t know what to say! How did you get into that state? I know it was me but how often do I do that to you?” I looked at him, did he really remember nothing, did he have no recollection of what he put me through at all?

  The nights you have too much to drink, work it out for yourself I replied. “I never touch the kids though do I?” he pleaded. “No, never, just me.”

  “What do you want to do? I can‘t live without you and the kids” his face was white.

  “We can’t live like this though”, here was my chance to make the break! “I can change, I’ll stop drinking, I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work” he pleaded. No no no no no, I screamed in my head you won’t change because you can’t. I looked at Thomas and Bethany, our children and I knew I would forgive him. I reached across the table and grabbed Bethany’s hand. “Let’s go home”. The world was once again back on its axis.

  For the next few weeks Keith was amazing, he came straight home from work, didn’t drink, respected the fact no meant no when I didn’t want sex and best of all he made an effort to do stuff with me and the kids.

  But it couldn’t last, the first time he had a late night meeting at work and didn’t come in until midnight I knew we were back to square one.

  This time the argument started because I hadn’t kept his tea, he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into the kitchen, he wanted me to make him food and pushed me around the kitchen until I had made it.

  I staggered up the stairs to our bedroom, I was sore and humiliated. The second honeymoon was over and as I got dressed for bed I vowed I would get out of this. He didn’t make it to bed that night and as I sponged down the settee and loaded the washing machine in the morning, I knew we were finished. Now I just had to find the courage to leave him.

  The thought of leaving terrified me. I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the state of mine and Keith’s relationship so it wasn’t as if I could turn up with the kids and my belonging on anyone’s doorstep. I needed to have a getaway plan, I needed somewhere to go, I would have to rent a house and to do that it was going to take time and money.

  The following months were harrowing. Keith’s behaviour was erratic. I dreaded him walking in through the door, it was like playing a game of Russian roulette. Sometimes he was quiet and sombre, but mostly he was drunk. There was the so drunk he would collapse and fall straight to sleep, then there was the other drunk who wanted to fight. He would come in on these occasions and do whatever he could to cause a fight, he cut the plug off the television while I was watching it, he would sit and light cigarettes in the living room and pass them around to his imaginary friends, I would be frantically running around the living room picking them up. And of course he hit me.

  My work was still my bright spot. It was the time I could be me, I always made an effort with my appearance and the smile I had on my face was genuine, it was my happy place.

  The friendship with Michael continued and that’s all it was mind a friendship. He made me laugh, he took an interest in me and Thomas and Bethany, if he had his suspicions that there was something wrong at home he never said, and I didn’t have the confidence to confide in him. I didn’t want him to know what a looser I was.

  When one morning he said that he had been trying to ring me at home all the night before, I was taken aback. I blushed and said that I mustn’t have heard the phone, obviously the truth of it was that Keith had taken the phone to work with him in the morning and hadn’t returned until late. Michael said he was ringing to see if me and the kids wanted to go to some big fair the next weekend. I told him I wasn’t sure what my plans were but I would let him know. As luck would have it Keith was away at the end of the week and I wasn’t expecting him back until late Saturday night. Why not I thought, it would be nice to spend the day with Michael and what did I have to loose.

  On the Saturday morning I was a bundle of nerves. By the time Michael pulled up to pick us up I had packed and unpacked the bags twice. Michael’s face was a picture when I started trundling to the car with car seats, buggy and bags. As he packed the boot I brought the kids out, a flicker of doubt shot across his face, I saw it and my heart dropped, but he pulled himself together quickly and started whooping at Thomas and Bethany making them giggle.

  Just as I finished strapping Bethany into her car seat and stood to get into the front seat, Karen walked passed pushing Charlotte. She looked at Michael and then looked at me, “hi ya you off anywhere nice?” she said. Blushing I stammered “we off to fair over Sacriston”.

  “Have a lovely day then, I’ll call you!” “Thanks” I shouted to her back as she made her way along the street. Fuck I thought to myself, bit of explaining to do there.

  The day turned out to be lovely, I think Michael was struggling with me being a “mammy”, but all in all I think we all enjoyed ourselves. There were loads of people there and I did have a few panic attacks thinking someone would see us, but by the time we made our way to the beer tent in the afternoon, I didn’t care. Both the kids were flat out in the buggy, so it gave us opportunity to talk. The first thing I needed to clear up was custody of the goldfish that Michael had won on the darts kiosk. “You’ll have to take that fish” I said. “But I won it for Thomas and Bethany!!”, “and how the hell am I going to explain that one away?” I laughed. So it was decided, Michael would keep the goldfish, which we declared had now been given a death sentence as the chances of him remembering to feed it and change the water were slim.

  Michael didn’t ask about Keith, I think he knew I wasn’t happy. When he asked if he could take me out I didn’t hesitate. I enjoyed Michael’s company, he was young and fit and even when I was in “mammy mode” there way he looked at me made me tingle.

  Keith came home that night, I thought I would feel guilty but I didn’t. I think the damage was done and whatever feelings I had for Keith had well and truly died.

  Trying to sort a night out with Michael was much harder than I expected. I sneaked a peek in Keith’s diary and was shocked to realise that for the rest of the month he had no meetings penciled in. That meant that if he wasn’t going to go away I was going to have to arrange to be having a night out on my own. My heart sank.

  The answer came in the shape of Karen. I hadn’t seen or heard from her since the Saturday morning I had gone out with Michael. I was sure she would have been around to my house the first opportunity she had, but there had been nothing. A couple of weeks later she called me out of the blue. She had been away for a couple of weeks holiday, apologising for not letting me
know before she went, she wanted to know if we could have a catch up.

  We arranged to take all the kids to the local park on the following Sunday afternoon, and as I agreed I racked my brains to think of a reason I could give her for being with Michael, cousin? Family friend? I wouldn’t get away with any of them, we were both local girls and even though we weren’t related we may as well have been, we both knew each other’s families inside out.

  By the time Sunday came I was a nervous wreck, I still couldn’t think of a way to explain Michael away. Before I even met up with her I was shattered. The kids had both played up all morning, Keith was grumpy because the kids were, and I had sleep deprivation because Keith had woke me up and where usually he didn’t take long to get himself off, he obviously wanted a bit more last night and spent a long time fiddling with me; he fucked me, then poked me, then

  manoeuvred me so he could get his tongue in me and so it went on.

  I lay in the dark pretending I was asleep. You would have thought with all the attention he was paying me I would be turned-on, but it never happened. The thought that he was doing this to me without my consent and the fact that he didn’t care that I was asleep was enough to keep my pussy dry and tight. After what seemed like hours he came. It was over for another night and once I was sure he was asleep I made my way downstairs, I had had about 2 hours sleep and knew for sure that that would be it for the night. I took the ironing board out of the cupboard, switched on the telly and made myself a coffee. I wasn’t shocked that Keith did this to me anymore, but it still didn’t make me feel any better about it. It left me feeling dirty and used. It wasn’t lovemaking, it wasn’t sex, it was abuse, my husband; the father of my children was abusing me. I had to go.

  My mind was still in turmoil when I caught up with Karen at the park. Charlotte was playing in the sandpit and as I unfastened Thomas so he could join her Karen said “Caroline, I know Keith is hitting you, talk to me”. Caught off guard, I sat on the edge of the sandpit and tucked Bethany’s blanket around her, she was fast asleep. I didn’t know what to say. “Caroline you need to talk to someone, if you don’t want to talk to me, I understand, but please talk to someone”. I unravelled.

  For the next hour it all came out, not the night time stuff or the bedwetting, but the drinking and how he controlled me. I didn’t cry, it was like I was talking about someone else, telling their sorry tale. As I talked we played with the toddlers, gave them orange juice and biscuits. When they were tired we put them into their buggies and walked.

  Karen listened, she didn’t scream or shout about how I should leave him or report him to the police. She let me talk. At the end I told her who Michael was, that he worked with me and was a total womaniser, how I thought I was a bit of a challenge for him but so far nothing had happened even though I was craving some love and affection. At the end I asked Karen how she knew, I had been so careful never to show my bruising and I had always thought that my smile hid the pain that my life had become. She simply said that she recognised the look in my eyes, the way I held myself and how private I was, she recognised it because it had happened to her mam for years and years, until her mam had had to be put on Valium just so she could make it through the days and nights of abuse. I thought of Karen’s mam, she was a lovely lady, a bit flaky but warm and affectionate, since Karen’s dad had died a few years earlier she had taken to cruising the world. Would that be how I would end up, sailing around the world on a ship full of strangers, maybe I would, no one would know that I was a battered wife. My heart went out to Karen’s mam, she was a soul sister.

  Karen was talking, but I missed what she said. “Sorry”, I stammered “I was miles away”. Karen repeated what she had said. “If Keith won’t leave, which I suspect he won’t then you have to leave with the kids, Caroline. Listen, I don’t know if you are interested or not, but my Auntie Maude is going into Tree Tops, she can’t look after herself anymore. It won’t be for another month or so, but if you want I’ll see if my cousin will rent you her house. I know the family don’t want to sell it, something to do with my Auntie Maude’s money, so if you want to I’m sure you can go there. It’s dated and a bit smelly but I’m sure you could spruce it up for you and the kids”.

  My heart raced, I had a getaway plan. Auntie Maude’s house was still in the village, which would be a blessing and a curse all at the same time. My friends, family and child-minder were all here, but so would Keith. At least I wouldn’t be in the same house as him. As I pushed the buggy I started to cry. I don’t know if it was because I could leave now, or I had opened up to Karen or just that I was tired.

  Whatever it was I was walking around the park with tears dropping off my chin. Karen smiled at me. “It will work out you know, you just have to be brave. I’ll speak to Graeme and see what he thinks and I’ll let you know. And don’t forget Caroline, I am here for you, you don’t have to do this on your own”. I managed a weak smile. “Thank you, you have done so much for me already.” She leant over and placed hers over my hand. “And the Michael thing, just be careful”. I will I thought, I will.

  As I walked home my head was full of plans. “Don’t get carried away,” I said to myself. “You haven’t even got the house yet, it might not even happen”. But I felt better, I felt better because I had talked to Karen and I felt better knowing I wasn’t the only one, poor Karen’s mam, she had been married for Karen’s dad for years and years, “how did she tolerate it”, I thought as I let myself in the back door.

  Living on a Prayer

  Karen rang me at work on the Wednesday morning. “I’ve spoken to Graeme, in confidence mind, and if you want the house it’s yours. They are planning on putting it on the market, but it’s probably going to be at least a year before that can happen. I know it’s just a short term arrangement, but at least it can be a stepping stone for you. Do you want to go and have a look at it? My Auntie Maude is in respite this week, so if you have a bit of time and you can get away I’ll take you along”. “Yes, yes, yes”, I shouted down the phone. “That’s brilliant, I could probably get away Friday night, if that would be okay?” “I’m sure that will be fine, and Caroline, why don’t you take a bit of time out for yourself too after you have looked at the house”. I heard the smile in her voice. “I might just do that! Thank you Karen, you don’t know how much what you are doing for me means to me”.

  We arranged for me to meet Karen at her house on Friday night and for the rest of the week I lived on my nerves. I mentally packed up my house, not daring to move anything, but I knew what I could take and what I had to leave so that Keith could continue to live there without too much disruption, even when I was leaving him, I was still doing the mothering thing.

  I dropped the kids off at my mam and dad’s for the night on Friday teatime and rushed home to wash and change. I knew Keith was working late, so after I had got ready, I rang him at his office and told him Karen had asked me to go for a drink with her. He seemed to believe me, I giggled to myself, he was slipping, not only had he forgotten to put the phone in his car when he left this morning, I had also out foxed him, he wouldn’t have chance to put his scent on me tonight.

  The house was exactly as Karen had described, it was dated and smelly. But it was a refuge for me. I could get rid of the smell and the family said that I could keep as much of the furniture as I needed. Best of all I didn’t have any deposit to find and my rent wouldn’t start until a month after I had moved in. I was so grateful. Karen said that they now had a date for Auntie Maude to go into Tree Tops, 3 weeks, I only had another 3 weeks to go.

  We walked back towards Karen’s house. “I meant what I said, I’m here anytime for you, day or night and if you need a hand with the kids while you get sorted just say. I’ll always make time”. I was so grateful. Before I got chance to say so she added “have you made any plans for the rest of the night? I hope you are going to make the most of this bit of freedom!” “I haven’t made any firm arrangements” I said blushing bright red, “But I told K
eith I was out having drinks with you so he won’t be expecting me back for ages yet”. “Well I’m just in house for the night, Dave usually cooks on a Friday to give me a break, so there is little chance of Keith bumping into me. While you’ve got the chance why don’t you go and let your hair down?”

  When we got to Karen’s house I hugged her, thanked her and told her I would call her the next day so she knew I was okay. Instead of heading on towards my own house, I doubled back on myself and headed off towards the small parade of shops.

  I had spoken to Michael earlier in the day at work and told him that I might have been able to wangle a couple of hours out and if he wasn’t busy we could meet up. He said he was supposed to be going out with a friend: no doubt one of his numerous girlfriends, but if I let him know early enough he would cancel down. It wasn’t quite 7 o’clock when I went into the telephone box and dialled his number.

  He answered after a couple of rings and within 15 minutes he had come and picked me up and we were heading back to his flat.

  The flat was much as you would expect of a single lad. It was tidy though and all the fixtures and fittings were good quality. Photographs of various family members were scattered about the room, as well as Newcastle United memorabilia and the whole place had a very masculine feel and smell to it.

  We went and sat in the kitchen. For some reason I didn’t want to tell him about the house, so as we sat and drank wine we chatted about work colleagues. He asked after the kids, I told him Bethany was cutting teeth and certainly let me know about it and I told him about Thomas going to toddlers and getting himself a girlfriend named Sophie.

  He was great company. I didn’t know where this was going and I didn’t know how I felt, but when after a couple of more drinks when he leant across and kissed me it felt right. So I kissed him back, all the time my tummy was doing somersaults, a mixture of fear and excitement. He was hot and he wanted me. When he led me into the bedroom I didn’t resist. I didn’t resist when he pulled off my jumper and started kissing my neck and I certainly didn’t resist when he loosened my bra and grabbed my boobs.