Somewhere Only We Know ....... Page 4

  I mean that just proved what a man he was, none of his mates were dads. So for the next few days we spent hours looking through the Brian Mills catalogue putting little stars on all the things we would buy; furniture, stereos, televisions and of course things for our baby.

  I had another doctor’s appointment towards the end of the week and the doctor spoke to my mam about arrangements being made for an hospital appointment for me on the following Tuesday, obviously I thought this was all a quite straight forward thing to be happening when you were pregnant. But on the Monday night my mam and dad sat me down and told me that I was going into hospital for an abortion.

  I was screaming and crying and telling them that it was my baby and I wanted it and they couldn’t make me have an abortion. They kept saying that it was for the best, that I was throwing my life away and I would regret it, that I was showing them up, their daughter a slut. But I continued to cry and scream. They then brought out their trump card, Darren hadn’t turned 16 and in the eyes of the law he was still a child because I was already 16. They told me that if I had this baby then the police would come and I would be arrested. That they would split me and Darren up.

  And that was that, I loved Darren more than life itself and the thought of being separated from his was unbearable and of course the police coming to arrest me didn’t help either. I had no fight left in me, they had me and I knew that come Tuesday there would be no more baby.

  I hated them.

  I went on Tuesday and I killed my baby.

  I came home and shut myself away in my room and hated them more.

  The following weekend they asked me to come down and have a chat. They told me that because they had wanted everything sorted out quickly they had paid for me to have the procedure privately, obviously it had cost a lot of money, so they thought that it was only right that when I started my office job at the end of the summer I should give them some of my wages each week until they had been paid back. I didn’t care about money so I agreed. Then they told me they were forbidding me from seeing Darren, at that time I didn’t care about Darren so I agreed. They also told me I was never to talk to anyone about what had happened, it was our secret, I didn’t care so I agreed. So this was my punishment for disappointing them.

  What surprised me was that they asked me if I wanted to go and talk to Darren, I didn’t care, so I agreed.

  I found Darren and we walked out into the fields surrounding our village. It was a lovely Sunday in August and the sky was blue. We sat on a hill and I told him what was happening. For once gobby Darren was quiet, he held my hand and we looked across the valley at the gliders high in the sky. There was nothing to say. He cuddled me and then he walked away.

  My pain was almost tangible.

  As I stood up to walk home I noticed that my tee-shirt was soaking, I was producing milk for my baby.

  I was a different person to the one I was last weekend. I knew I would never be the same again. I would never forgive them for making me have the abortion, I would never forgive them for not listening to me and even though in my heart of hearts I knew me and Darren wouldn’t make it - I would never forgive them for splitting us up.

  And I was right, I never did.

  Right contestant number one ….. Chirped Cilla

  Caroline’s mobile lit up on the table and Caroline was pulled back from the past.

  That’s What Friends Are For

  The little envelope on the front of the mobile screen showed that Caroline had a new message.

  She let out a huge sigh then checked her watch, it was a little after 2am, she had been in this café for over an hour. Mrs Costa Coffee was still bustling around behind the counter and apart from a middle aged man sitting behind a paper, the place was deserted.

  Caroline felt exhausted. The trip down memory lane had certainly dug up some long forgotten episodes of her life. Not the baby mind, that had never really left her even after she had her children the ‘what ifs’ had always been there. It had remained a secret for years, her dirty secret, it always made her feel a bit unworthy, her pregnancies had been nothing but a worry; she waited for God to strike retribution and come and take one of her babies away as pay back, or after they were safely delivered there would be a cot death, or as they grew some illness or accident. She used to pray to God that if he wanted revenge then take it out on her and not her children, they were innocents, but she never quite shook off that feeling that one day it would happen.

  Picking up her mobile, Caroline opened the message.

  Sasha

  Hi hun r u ok??

  Caroline smiled, it would have to be Sasha up in the early hours.

  She was obsessed with Facebook and always forgot the time when she started chatting and updating her status or nosing at other peoples.

  Me

  Yes babes im ok? Hows u?

  Sasha

  Worried about you been to bed but cudnt sleep where r u now

  Me

  Im in services having a quick coffee

  It was pointless telling Sasha that she was only at Scotch Corner and had been sitting there for over an hour, Caroline thought to herself, Sasha would be in the car and at the services before she knew it.

  Sasha

  I’m so worried about u - u don’t have to do this u know

  Me

  Yes I do - but please don’t worry I’m fine - I love u - so get urself some sleep and ill text u when I get there

  Sasha

  Mmm don’t know about the sleep thing - make sure u do mind and I love u too hun drive safely

  Me

  Stop fretting and I will xxx

  Caroline popped her mobile back into her bag and got up off the table. She smiled at Mrs Costa Coffee as she walked past and Mrs Costa Coffee shouted a cheery goodnight.

  After a quick wee stop, where Caroline saw little improvement in the mirror above the basin, clarifying that it was indeed her that looked haggard and not some trick lighting to sell coffee, she left the services.

  As she walked towards the car she took a cigarette out of her bag, as she puffed on it she felt some of the tension ease away. The habit she had stared in childhood had never left her. Numerous attempts to stop had always failed and she resigned herself to that fact that she would quit when she was ready! She wasn’t a heavy smoker, but when the need came she always gave in.

  It was still raining and a bit of a wind had whipped up, starting the car she eased out of the services and rejoined the motorway. It was 2.21am and she had 233 miles left to go.

  Still unable to turn on music, Caroline concentrated on driving, the weather conditions made any attempts at driving at speed a bit hazardous, so she found her tempo and switched her thoughts to Sasha.

  She had met Sasha at work about 3 years ago. At first Caroline had been a little wary of the 30 year old, she was bold and confident and Caroline was a little in awe of her. But when you scratched the surface Sasha was as insecure as Caroline was and they quickly recognised that they were kindred spirits.

  When they first met Sasha’s partner was an alcoholic and it was Sasha that was keeping the family together. She had two children who she doted on and although Mick had a whole heap of problems going on, she loved him. Not long after she started working with Caroline, Mick went cold turkey and Caroline watched in wonder as Sasha nursed him through it and saw him out of the other side.

  Sober Mick was nothing like drunk Mick and it had taken Sasha a good year to grow to love the new version of her partner; he was now moody and bad tempered and had replaced one addiction with another, he has now a poker fiend. But still Sasha held it all together.

  Caroline was so proud of her. Not only was she doing all this with the family, but over the past 18 months she had shed 10 stone, or as Caroline often told Sasha she had lost the huge tractor tyre she used to hump around her middle.

  Sasha was beautiful, even at her biggest. When they went on nights out it was always Sasha who got ‘tapped up’. Not that she was eve
r interested but with things being so bad at home it gave her an ego boost to have a bit flirt on, and for some unknown reason if Sasha had given some bloke her number then low and behold he would send her a picture of his dick. Caroline and Sasha would hoot, what were these blokes about, why would anyone send a picture of their cock to some random woman, it all beggared belief.

  Sasha was the first person Caroline told about Ben. Sasha wasn’t judgmental about the situation, in fact she was supportive, she had met Ben and liked him and it was her philosophy if they made each other happy then no harm was being done. So when things were good she talked to Sasha and when things were bad she talked to Sasha. She was Caroline’s rock.

  Sasha had the uncanny knack of knowing when Caroline was in trouble. She always seemed to text or ring at just the right moment.

  Her look on the situation always distracted Caroline along with her way of phrasing stuff - Caroline had begun to wonder if Ben was actually called ‘Ben the twat’ or ‘Ben the bastard’.

  Caroline was going to miss her so much. But they would text and once Caroline was settled she would get herself a new Facebook account so they could chat. But she didn’t know when she would see Sasha again or if she ever would ……

  Progress was slow, perhaps due to the weather or maybe Caroline’s whim to tootle rather than fly. The satnav showed that the A17 was only a few miles away, it was 3.36am and she had travelled less than 100 miles. Unsure if there were any services on the A17 Caroline decided that she had better stop off at the next services and have a break, it had been a long day and even longer night. 140 miles left to go.

  Different services, same loos and the same bloody mirrors!! Never mind, Caroline thought to herself, not that she was likely to bump into anyone who knew her, no image of a fit forty something to keep up here. She ran her brush through her hair, applied eye liner and a touch of lippy, not much of an improvement but it made her feel a smidgen better.

  Another latte, another smiling attendant, this time Mr Burger King. Caroline sat wearily down at a table near the counter, the place was deserted. Surely the overheads keeping this place open through the night far outweighed the revenue that it brought in Caroline mused to herself, what if I’m the only customer they have had all night. Maybe I should buy a meal she mused.

  All of a sudden it felt like a lifetime since she had left Newcastle, she thought back over the past few days and it felt like she was watching it back in the third person. So many tears, so many apologies, so many whys. Why??? She had no idea, she hadn’t meant it to happen, she had stopped it so many times and as many times as she had stopped it she started it again. Until this time of course.

  The latte wasn’t as nice as the Costa one, it tasted weak and a bit cardboardy. She had taken no more than 3 or 4 sips when it happened.

  Question number two for contestant number one”

  Cilla was back.

  Was there something in the latte that pushed her mind into cloud cuckoo land?

  Cilla went on ‘so after the baby, what happen next?’

  No Cilla no, I can’t do this Caroline said to herself, I can’t drag all of this up. But there it was, inside her head getting itself into a neat orderly queue waiting to come out, some of the worst memories were shy, they were fighting against the limelight, but the other memories needed them and weren’t taking no for an answer.

  Caroline stood and walked across to the counter, she ordered her guilty meal deal and even went large. She decided she needed to eat, maybe her hallucinations were because she was hungry, and if after all she was going to take this trip down her yesterdays she needed an excuse to be sitting there.

  Returning to her table, she exhaled deeply. Here we go then Cilla, we best fasten our seatbelts, the rollercoaster ride is about to begin.

  Toy Boy!!

  I would like to say that after the abortion life returned to normal, it didn’t’ at least not for me. My mam and dad settled into everyday life, we had a family holiday and I started as an office junior at the beginning of the September. But I had changed, I marked each month as it went by, I looked at pregnant women in the street and wonder if I would have had a bump like theirs, I looked at babies in pushchairs and wondered what my baby would have looked like.

  I knew my baby would have been due sometime in February, so I got myself to that point, how I got there I had no idea. I settled into my job, made some new friends and to the outside world seemed to be a nice young lady. Inside I was a mess.

  I didn’t see any of my Kinsley friends, at first they called for me to do stuff, but after a while they gave me up as a bad job. I think they thought I had new friends from work, my friends at work thought I had a mad social life with my friends at home. The truth of it was I didn’t see anyone. I went home from work and stayed in my room or went to my Granny’s. And I paid back my debt.

  Darren left school and started working as a shop fitter, he worked away from home a lot but I saw him now and again to wave to.

  Until I was 21 he called me once a year just to wish me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, when the telephone calls stopped I heard he had moved south. He had met a woman and moved in with her, he caused quite the scandal as she was older than his mother. I saw him not long ago, he hadn’t changed. He never had any family of his own which I found sad, but he is a successful business man and he went on to marry his girlfriend and seems to be an amazing step dad and granddad. Funny as we chatted I think we both felt the chemistry, some things never change.

  February passed and slowly I restarted my life. When my friends were going out from work I started to go along. Soon I was out partying 4 nights a week, I started meeting lads again, but I was guarded and didn’t jump into bed with anyone. I had my first girls holiday and loads of weekends away. I was living.

  My relationship with my mam and dad improved. I would never forgive them, but I loved them both, so we sort of moseyed along, their own relationship was much the same but I didn’t get involved. They were old enough and ugly enough to sort their own problems out, I sometimes couldn’t understand why they stayed together, but maybe their good times outweighed the bad. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realised that walking away from a relationship is the hardest thing to do, no matter how bad it was for you.

  I dated a few boys but there was never anyone serious, I didn’t let anyone get too close and I always had a fear that somehow they would find out about my abortion and dump me.

  When I was 20 I met Keith. I was in a nightclub in Newcastle, it was a Tuesday night and not a night I would normally be partying my way around Newcastle. Anyway this lad came up and asked to buy me a drink, he had the twinkliest blue eyes and a cheeky grin so I made my way to the bar with him. We chatted, I liked him. At the end of the night I didn’t want to leave him, so I didn’t, I never went home again.

  Keith was 18. He lived in a part of Newcastle that I had never been to before. As we went back to his in a taxi he told me that he was originally from Leeds but had come to Newcastle to find his mam who had given him up at birth. My heart melted.

  When we got to Keith’s flat I rang my dad and told him I wouldn’t be home that night. Looking around the flat I could see how sparse it was, and to be honest it was a bit smelly. Keith had done his best to make it homely but it had a sad feel about it. My heart melted some more.

  We talked and talked, it turned out his mam lived in the flat above him. She had married an older man who called himself The Commander, but wasn’t a Commander at all, he just collected war memorabilia. Keith seemed to have forgiven her for leaving him and his older sister, he had an all right upbringing with his dad and stepmam, who incidentally was also his aunt; his dad had married his brother’s ex-wife so his step brother and sister were really his cousins.

  It was all so confusing.

  We snuggled up on the settee and eventually fell asleep. The next day I rang into work and threw a sicky. Keith did the same. Taking his old Ford Capri car, we spent the day down on the coa
st, we walked on the beach, ate fish and chips and got to know each other better. By the end of the day I felt like I had known him forever.

  Keith drove me home. My mam and dad were furious for not going to work and a row broke out, I had had the foresight to leave Keith in the car and after throwing some clothes in a bag, I walked out.

  They must have been terrified at the time, they had no idea where I had been or where I was going or who I was with. But I didn’t care, I was in crush mode and the object of my obsession was parked outside my house and there was no way I was going to let him slip through my fingers.

  So I went to stay at his smelly little flat. We stumbled into bed together and it was job done. Keith was amazing, I didn’t ask but he seemed to have had a lot of experience, he certainly was confident. He had a huge cock, far bigger than anything I had ever had seen before. I gagged when I sucked him off and I winced when he fucked me, but I persevered and as the days and the fucks went on I certainly started to enjoy it.

  We fit, in all areas, before the end of the week it felt like we had been together for years. We went to work, we had tea, we talked and we shagged.

  At the weekend we made another trip to Kinsley. This time I took Keith in to meet my mam and dad. They were wary of him, I could tell by how guarded they were with him, but I was happy and there was no way I would let them two spoil it for me. They could like it or lump it. I collected more clothes, gave them my contact details and then left. On the way home we called in to see my Granny, she wasn’t happy with me either and wasn’t shy in letting me know, it was embarrassing but I deserved it, I had caused them all a lot of worry.

  And that was the beginning of my life with Keith. I met his mam and The Commander. Marian was a tiny woman, she was very pretty even in her fifties and must have been a real looker in her day. She fussed around Keith like a mother hen, she sent us meals down to our flat and always had some sort of treat for us when she came back from the shops. It wasn’t until a few years later, when she was arrested for shoplifting that I realised that the treats came from her loot collected on her frequent trips to the shops. At the time though it was nice to get to know Keith’s mam. The Commander never left their flat, he was a good 20 years older than Marion and sat in his leather winged back chair and let her wait on him hand and foot.